Powerless

Control....I sure have issues with control but I sure can't control most outcomes or people. I am finding that the more I give up control to a higher power the more relaxed I have become. The crazy power struggles on a daily basis are absurd. I really am powerless to change another person and beside that would be controlling. When I really look at control it usually is because I am not detaching myself from my emotions and therefore a struggle begins.
Realistically I want all positive people around me but since that is idealistic as I have negative family members, then letting go of control with them and making sure I completely detach from their negativity becomes a must.
One of my biggest challenges in life is how to be positive when around a negative person that I don't want to eliminate from my life as they are family. Not easy and I don't want to have to set boundaries all of the time as that is exhausting. I don't want my own emotions to become unmanageable just because of a complaining person in my life. Hum sigh....Just let it go...
I will become better and better at understanding I am powerless over others. Life is such a fascinating journey. The best part for me is the growth!

Angry, yelling people

I can't think of anything much worse than being yelled at. What do yelling, angry people think they are going to accomplish by brow beating another human being? I can go to step 1 and realize I have no control over this person but how does one calm an angry person down who continues to raise their voice "thinking" that if they get louder and louder you might agree with them.
I can't wait for the day when I only have calm people in my life. I have let go of so many abusive people that I don't have a lot of friends left. I know in my heart this is a good thing but at times it gets rather lonely.
More steps to go just wishing I could hide....
I am an adult but I guess I am not dealing with an adult if screaming is their way of communicating. Adults should not yell and certainly should not begin swearing at the same time too. Life is just to short to have abusive people in my life. As I work the steps I have to believe that all abusers will be gone out of my life. I want peace and calm. I am sad today....
No I can't control another person but I can control not being in their presense...

Being afraid to tell others what I think

Well here I sit, angry again and disgusted with myself and a "friend" that continues to call me with all of her unhealthiness. Why is it so difficult for me to tell her I don't want to hear her problems anymore? One little boundary and I can't seem to set it. Instead I continue to ignore her so of course she is calling more and leaving more messages.
I am sick to my stomach over this. I need to pick up the phone and call her and when she starts her pitiful story telling, I need to tell her I am not comfortable listening to negative conversations.
Anybody out there with some advice??? I can't believe how angry I am. I need to get to unconditional love and tell her how I feel and let go...I need to get to a gentle place before I speak to her as to blast her is hardly a heathy way to go about setting my boundary.
I guess I can't believe that someone would believe I want to get dragged into all her drama EVERYTIME she calls.
I am finally in the grateful phase of my life and am choosing to give thanks for all that comes into my life.
Don't know what else to say but hopefully I can write of my success in setting my boundaries with her soon...

Progress, Not Perfection

Now I have formally worked steps 1-3, God has prepared me for the greatest healing, I am told by my recovery friends. Even though I have actively participating in my CODA program for more than six months, I am still wobbly with my recovery behaviors. As a co-dependent, it is a struggle not to expect linear perfection: step one, check; step two, check; step three, check. It’s time to move onto step four and never go back through steps 1-3, right? I completed the first three steps and now I am moving on.

This is not so. I am reminded and shown this again and again and again. In this moment, I am reminded of this in my struggle to have a healthy, functional adult relationship with my parents. I recently set a challenging boundary with my mother and now I am living in the unhealthy nuclear fallout of changing the family system by changing my behavior. It is not pleasant. I am soulfully grateful I have made it this far. I have never made it this far. In the past, I chose to never use my voice or allowed my healthy, functional adult emerge when the stakes would be so great. I have made progress! Thank you!

In the nuclear fallout of present, I feel scared. In the past I always feared my parents abandoning me and terminating their relationship with me based upon their approval of me. Now I realize, if that happens, I am okay because I do not allow them to be my higher power any longer. Instead, I realize the more likely scenario will be my choice to distance myself from my parents and perhaps even temporarily choose to have no contact with them until I have worked through my steps and my feelings and can fully maintain healthy boundaries with them.

As of now, I am still in the infancy of my recovery. I can identify wants and needs. I can set boundaries. These are tremendous leaps of healthy growth for me. I still struggle with letting go of the outcomes and detaching with love. I am still very angry and defensive. When I search deep within, I realize, I am still getting some benefit to hanging onto these feelings, no matter how toxic they are to me. I am just not ready to let it go. I accept that for today. I give thanks for where I am on this journey. I let go of my need to be perfect. I remember I am always in a holy union of co-creation with my higher power. All is well and all is as it should be. Thank you, God.

Boundaries In Action

Funny how less than 24 hours I was writing about my understanding of boundaries and their role in my co-dependency when all of the sudden I call a boundary setting opportunity to my reality….Thanks HP….you know all and make it all happen! I am grateful for the opportunity but am scared and full of guilt and shame. Of course since getting into recovery I have set many boundaries and survived. Heck, I have lived to tell the tale. So why is this time any different? Why is it so scary?

This time, I have to set the boundary with my mom. I love my mom but she is sick and I learned my co-dependency from her, a true professional! Here I am: I am a grown adult woman, wife and mother but my mom still scares the shit out of me. The boundary I have to set with her is a significant one concerning an unhealthy mixed message she spoke to my two year old son. When the words, “If you don’t give me a hug, then you can’t spend the night on Saturday night with us,” came out of her mouth, I froze.

What did she just say? Why do I feel so icky? Huh?

I went home and wow, did I get out of control. I was triggered and made up in my head that my husband was having an affair with our babysitter. I felt awful…where did that thought come from. To take care of myself, I shared this dark side of my thoughts and disease with my husband. Fortunately, he was able to hold the space with me and assured me there was no affair and that he loved me. This was a miracle that could have only come from practicing setting boundaries with my husband. Sometimes he would openly accept my boundaries and all would be well. Other times, he resisted them and we had to sit through the tension. Nonetheless, we always made it through to the other side, all the healthier and saner.

But now, I was in the big leagues. I had to set a boundary with my mom! How the heck do I do that? I called a recovery friend and emoted. I raged a bit and told my mom to “F-off” with a safe person. I got the emotions out. When I came back to my baseline, I was able to get some further clarity around setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is a multi-step process for me. I have to identify the boundary, respectfully set and communicate the boundary, detach from any expectations, and turn it over to God. Whew…that’s a lot of work. No wonder why I was feeling so overwhelmed.

So, after processing my feelings and gaining clarity, here is my boundary: “Mom, when you told my son he could not spend the night with you on Saturday night if he did not give you a hug before leaving, I felt concerned. In the future, I prefer you do not make your love, your acceptance and your approval of my son based upon if he is meeting your emotional needs. That is not his job. Thank you.”

Well, I have my boundary. Now I am praying for courage to communicate the message and detach with love without expectations. That is where I am at today.

A life long journey

Just when I think my incest issues are under control they floor me again. It was 1992 when I began my journey of remembering what my father had done to me as a child. I was 39 and I guess in a safe enough space that the memories began. It was so devastating that I checked myself into a hospital on December 27, 1992. I've never looked back to that day with any regrets.

I guess the thing about incest that bothers me the most are the deep, seemingly endless, mental scars it inflicts on a childs life. Incest scars don't go away, at least not for me. Most people have boundary issues and barge uninvited into another's space. Mine are the opposite. I have a hard time letting anyone in so my walls are up more than they are down.

I've had tremendous growth since I started my journey. After telling the truth my family did not speak to me for 9 years. And the truth shall set you free.....Damn, that was more free than I wanted to be! Regardless, I was able to spend 4 wonderful years with my mom and dad before they passed. I actually forgave my father and was able to hold his hand and help him cross to the other side. I realized his childhood was as damaged as mine so I was able to see him in a different light. That is not to say that upon forgiving him I did not have occassional feelings of anger. As he lay dying I had my moments where I wanted to put a pillow over his face. He never acknowledged what he had done to me. My mother did although I didn't need validation from anyone as to whether I had told the truth.

The journey never ends and just when I think I am OK, it's time to go back to work on myself one more time......More stories will be written, more groups will be attended and into my life will come more wonderful people all with the common thread of a childhood full of hurt but an adulthood knowing there is hope...Keep coming back, it works!!

Co-Dependence and Boundaries

This is a posting from Jenn Z. that almost got left behind in our move - it is a wonderful commentary on boundaries and should be required reading for all of us struggling with co-dependency...

For me my co dependency revolves around my lack of boundaries. Without my boundaries I don’t know what I need or what I want and therefore cannot ask for what I need or want and set boundaries. If I had boundaries to begin with, perhaps I would have more clarity about what I need and what I want. I have always allowed the environment, outcomes, other people and anticipated reactions of other people dictate my boundaries and to dictate what I need and what I want. Ultimately what I needed was a safe, secure, predictable environment. I have always looked outside of myself for this security, rather than looking inward to give it to myself. It has only since getting into recovery that I have discovered my security does not lie outside of myself. Rather, it lies within me through my relationship with my higher power. I have to establish, build, and maintain my own security by looking inward.

My disease gets out of whack when I am not working on my boundaries and thinking about them. When I am looking into other people’s lives and what they are doing or should be doing as I see it, I am clearly lacking boundaries because I have entered, uninvited into someone else’s life. I loose sight of where I end and another person begins. This was my starting my place: where I start and where another person begins. It has been only through visualization have I been able to be successful in determining my boundaries. I had to visualize physical space, spiritual space, mental/emotional space to determine exactly where I ended and another person began. Sometimes it gets complicated with some intricacies within my primary relationships to visualize the boundaries. When I begin to feel anxious, frustrated, scared, lost, or physically unwell and am able to recognize it, that’s when I know I need to spend sometime looking inward at myself and analyzing my boundaries to determine what I need and what I want to take care of myself. It’s all in me. It’s not in the environment. It’s not in another person. It’s not in the possible outcomes I have contrived in my head. It’s in me and it’s in God because God is in me.

Selective Serenity

Am I giving all to God?
I have experienced four spiritual awakenings in my life. Within each and every on of them I felt the presence of God and the freedom of letting go of my willful self-centerdness. But none of these God conscious epiphanys got me clean and sober.
I am so grateful to God that I am an alcoholic. For were it not for my disease, I would not have come to believe that I cannot do this thing called life without creating wreakage. Hell, it took AA for me to realize I even did wreakage. Without the simple steps of recovery I would still be out there thinking grandiose ideas that I tried to implement with a pititful and patheticself image.
It took complete demoralization for this alcoholic to be felled at the knees by the ax of Divine Love. My selfish self-centerdness destroyed my relationships long ago. It was only a matter of time before it destroyed my body.
I can no longer afford to selectively choose what I need to give to God. And I no longer believe that God needs me. And likewise I don’t pray for others selectively either. i.e.: Please let that person find sobriety, please give that person someone to love them, please save that person’s child from drug abuse.” Who am I to decide what would be best for you? Only God knows how to love perfectly. I pray for knowledge to know his will (willingness to listen) and the Power (Holy Spirit) to do it. I pray the same for others.That’s the only way I know how to get out of God’s way and let His Will, not mine, be done.
The daily goal is complete serenity, a giving up of expectations, a letting go of the reins. The peace that passeth all understanding (because self-knowledge availed be nothing!) is in a continual daily, moment to moment, decision to decision to surrender.
The end goal may be to die sober. But the journey is meant to be one of walking on water.

Fear

At the “Straight Talk” women’s meeting tonight, the topic was “Fear.” Immediately my multiple personalities began to assemble a profound share for when my turn came. They scrambled around seeking remembered shares from other meetings, searched the data base for memorized Big Book quotes and began to assemble our experience, strength and hope in a way that would change lives by our very eloquence. After some time I began to wonder why all the ticket numbers being called began with one hundred. I glanced down at my ticket time and again. Two hundred thirteen. Hmm. Ten minutes before the meeting ended, I looked again at my ticket and realized I hadn’t seen the 1 at the end, obscured by a misallignment in printing. I had to smile at myselves, “Ha” I told them, see what happens when it’s ALL about you???” Then it happened, bam! Honesty. And I suddenly remembered the chilling fear in my friend Lorri’s face yesterday, 2 1/2 weeks dry. “This is NOT fun,” she screamed. How do I do to have fun now? I used to wake up blissed out, I never woke up with a hangover! Making love with my husband hurts now!” I could feel her desperation, it hung on me like a tight shirt on a clammy day. And I was afraid too. For her. For me, that I wouldn’t say the thing that would make a difference. That I would fail and she would fall. And suddenly I saw myself, walking into my apartment after my first meeting, standing in the entryway with no where to go that didn’t remind me of drinking. I felt like I had come home from alcohol’s funeral and there were pictures, mementos, memories everywhere. My lover, my friend, my muse, my companion, my comfortor. Who would love me now? My moment of clarity was there, standing in the entrance of my apartment, realizing the person I loved more than anyone in the world didn’t even have a pulse. He was, in fact, a cold-blooded murderer, determined to take me to the grave with him. I said,” Lorri, you’ve got to go to meetings.” She said, “I will, I will.” And then I remembered. There are such unfortunates, it is not their fault, they seem to be born that way. There but for the Grace of God go I, and you.

Lingering Daddy issues...

Realization: My dad died last month and I am having so much latent anger about the things my dad did and the way he was. I wondered why and then I realized that now that he is gone, there is no chance for redemption. It’s final.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always waited for the apology, or for him to mellow and change the way he was. But it never came. And then he got sick. And I forgave him everything (or so I thought) because he was dying. We exchanged hugs and tears and I watched him slip away, and I thought that was enough to wipe it all away. But now that he’s gone, the anger is creeping in again, I think because that’s it - I cant even ask him why he was so mean sometimes or ask for an apology. What was, is now still. It’s all so final. In ink. Can’t be changed.

So the work becomes mine. F-ing STEP 1 again…I cant change him or the way he was or the things he did. All I can change is the way I process and accept him and his actions. I have to leave the anger behind or stop blaming him and own the anger as mine. He is not making me angry - I am making myself angry. He is gone and I cant blame him any more. This the ultimate giving up control - when someone is totally gone and what they have left behind is indelible. Trying to control the past is insanity pure and simple. I still want my dad to be all of things he could never be - warm, expressive, grateful, gentle and supportive. He never was and never will be any of these and I cant change that.

The little girl inside still wants daddy to come home and prop her on his knee and tell her the world will always be a safe place as long as he’s around…does any of this stuff EVER happen or were we just raised with all of these TV myths that somewhere dads did stuff like this? Did anyone REALLY have an “idyllic” childhood?

Remembering my first meeting

Hello, everyone and welcome to Day One of The Serenity Channel! I am so excited to see this project finally get started. It will be great to get to know you all and hear you share your experience, strength and hope.

It has been quite a journey. My life changed on October 9, 2005 when I attended my first 12 step meeting. At that time, things in my life were very chaotic, very toxic and very out of control. I blamed everything and everyone for my misery. My relationship was falling apart so I started seeing a therapist, looking for that “magic bullet”. Fortunately for me, part of her therapy was to require that every patient of hers enroll in a 12 step program. For me, she suggested Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA).

I remember how badly my hands were shaking when I entered my first meeting. I thought, “Why am I here with all of these f’d up people?” How boring to have to sit there and listen to people complain about their miserable lives. I was angry. I was scared. I was resentful because, of course I was “not like them”. But then the most miraculous thing happened. I enjoyed it. I felt light for the first time in a long time. I saw people being honest and vulnerable and trusting…and I just listened. (Listening was not something I had previously spent a lot of time doing!) Their stories were my story. I saw the hope and heard the pain and it was mine. I went out and bought Melody Beattie’s books and the CoDA BigBook. I read and cried that someone had finally given a name to what I was feeling.

I was home.

After about 7 months in the program, I found a wonderful sponsor and started formally working the steps. I remember not sleeping the night before I was to do my Fifth Step with my sponsor. My fourth step had really shaken me up, but I did it. For the first time in my life, I took responsibilities for my actions instead of always blaming others. I made my amends as best I could and when I got to Step Twelve, I thought hard about what kind of service to do. That’s when the idea for The Serenity Channel came to me. I had been traveling for weeks before this and could not always find a meeting on the road. I really missed the fellowship and the reinforcement that came from hearing the powerful messages others had to share. Since a meeting wasn’t available, I wished I had a place to go to hear a quick message of hope from others working a program like me. That’s when I realized I could create such a place online and I started working on The Serenity Channel.

I have always been terrible at journaling long hand, but I’m glued to my PC, so this will hopefully get me to do my daily work - maybe this will be the case for you, too! Whether you call in and leave your personal message or comment on the posts you read, I hope you come back daily and become a part of this online fellowship. If you dont have a meeting today, visit us and share a message or post a comment to encourage others. Email us if you don’t see your program represented or if you want to be an Author. We will soon be adding podcasts and daily meditations for you to download, so get your iPods ready!

I am happy to share my joy with you all! Keep coming back - it works if you work it!

A Welcome Message

Welcome to The Serenity Channel. We will soon be posting regular podcasts featuring your sharing, recorded messages, daily meditations and special music to help you work your program. If you click the icon now, you will hear a special welcome message! Our podcast files will play in your computer's mp3 player as well as your portable mp3 player.

We are Looking for Authors for The Serenity Channel

The Serenity Channel is looking for authors to contribute to the following group blogs:
Gay & Lesbian Recovery, Narcotics Anonymous, Nar-Anon Family Groups, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addiction Anonymous and Survivors of Incest Anonymous.

If you like to are an avid journaler and would like to become an author for The Serenity Channel, email us at info@theserenitychannel.com to request permission to post. We are happy to have more than one author per group so please dont hesitate to ask to add your name to an existing group!

Also, if your group is not listed and you would like to like to start a new group and be an author, contact us and we will add you and your group to the site.

We are Looking for Authors for The Serenity Channel

The Serenity Channel is looking for authors to contribute to the following group blogs: Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Alateen Family Groups, Cocaine Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous, Co-Sex Addiction Anonymous (COSA), Gamblers Anonymous and Grief and Bereavement Support .

If you like to are an avid journaler and would like to become an author for The Serenity Channel, email us at info@theserenitychannel.com to request permission to post. We are happy to have more than one author per group so please dont hesitate to ask to add your name to an existing group!
Also, if your group is not listed and you would like to like to start a new group and be an author, contact us and we will add you and your group to the site.

FAQ's and Help Topics

We will be posting answers to your questions here.
If you don't see you question answered here, please email us at info@theserenitychannel.com