A life long journey

Just when I think my incest issues are under control they floor me again. It was 1992 when I began my journey of remembering what my father had done to me as a child. I was 39 and I guess in a safe enough space that the memories began. It was so devastating that I checked myself into a hospital on December 27, 1992. I've never looked back to that day with any regrets.

I guess the thing about incest that bothers me the most are the deep, seemingly endless, mental scars it inflicts on a childs life. Incest scars don't go away, at least not for me. Most people have boundary issues and barge uninvited into another's space. Mine are the opposite. I have a hard time letting anyone in so my walls are up more than they are down.

I've had tremendous growth since I started my journey. After telling the truth my family did not speak to me for 9 years. And the truth shall set you free.....Damn, that was more free than I wanted to be! Regardless, I was able to spend 4 wonderful years with my mom and dad before they passed. I actually forgave my father and was able to hold his hand and help him cross to the other side. I realized his childhood was as damaged as mine so I was able to see him in a different light. That is not to say that upon forgiving him I did not have occassional feelings of anger. As he lay dying I had my moments where I wanted to put a pillow over his face. He never acknowledged what he had done to me. My mother did although I didn't need validation from anyone as to whether I had told the truth.

The journey never ends and just when I think I am OK, it's time to go back to work on myself one more time......More stories will be written, more groups will be attended and into my life will come more wonderful people all with the common thread of a childhood full of hurt but an adulthood knowing there is hope...Keep coming back, it works!!

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