Fear

At the “Straight Talk” women’s meeting tonight, the topic was “Fear.” Immediately my multiple personalities began to assemble a profound share for when my turn came. They scrambled around seeking remembered shares from other meetings, searched the data base for memorized Big Book quotes and began to assemble our experience, strength and hope in a way that would change lives by our very eloquence. After some time I began to wonder why all the ticket numbers being called began with one hundred. I glanced down at my ticket time and again. Two hundred thirteen. Hmm. Ten minutes before the meeting ended, I looked again at my ticket and realized I hadn’t seen the 1 at the end, obscured by a misallignment in printing. I had to smile at myselves, “Ha” I told them, see what happens when it’s ALL about you???” Then it happened, bam! Honesty. And I suddenly remembered the chilling fear in my friend Lorri’s face yesterday, 2 1/2 weeks dry. “This is NOT fun,” she screamed. How do I do to have fun now? I used to wake up blissed out, I never woke up with a hangover! Making love with my husband hurts now!” I could feel her desperation, it hung on me like a tight shirt on a clammy day. And I was afraid too. For her. For me, that I wouldn’t say the thing that would make a difference. That I would fail and she would fall. And suddenly I saw myself, walking into my apartment after my first meeting, standing in the entryway with no where to go that didn’t remind me of drinking. I felt like I had come home from alcohol’s funeral and there were pictures, mementos, memories everywhere. My lover, my friend, my muse, my companion, my comfortor. Who would love me now? My moment of clarity was there, standing in the entrance of my apartment, realizing the person I loved more than anyone in the world didn’t even have a pulse. He was, in fact, a cold-blooded murderer, determined to take me to the grave with him. I said,” Lorri, you’ve got to go to meetings.” She said, “I will, I will.” And then I remembered. There are such unfortunates, it is not their fault, they seem to be born that way. There but for the Grace of God go I, and you.