Now I have formally worked steps 1-3, God has prepared me for the greatest healing, I am told by my recovery friends. Even though I have actively participating in my CODA program for more than six months, I am still wobbly with my recovery behaviors. As a co-dependent, it is a struggle not to expect linear perfection: step one, check; step two, check; step three, check. It’s time to move onto step four and never go back through steps 1-3, right? I completed the first three steps and now I am moving on.
This is not so. I am reminded and shown this again and again and again. In this moment, I am reminded of this in my struggle to have a healthy, functional adult relationship with my parents. I recently set a challenging boundary with my mother and now I am living in the unhealthy nuclear fallout of changing the family system by changing my behavior. It is not pleasant. I am soulfully grateful I have made it this far. I have never made it this far. In the past, I chose to never use my voice or allowed my healthy, functional adult emerge when the stakes would be so great. I have made progress! Thank you!
In the nuclear fallout of present, I feel scared. In the past I always feared my parents abandoning me and terminating their relationship with me based upon their approval of me. Now I realize, if that happens, I am okay because I do not allow them to be my higher power any longer. Instead, I realize the more likely scenario will be my choice to distance myself from my parents and perhaps even temporarily choose to have no contact with them until I have worked through my steps and my feelings and can fully maintain healthy boundaries with them.
As of now, I am still in the infancy of my recovery. I can identify wants and needs. I can set boundaries. These are tremendous leaps of healthy growth for me. I still struggle with letting go of the outcomes and detaching with love. I am still very angry and defensive. When I search deep within, I realize, I am still getting some benefit to hanging onto these feelings, no matter how toxic they are to me. I am just not ready to let it go. I accept that for today. I give thanks for where I am on this journey. I let go of my need to be perfect. I remember I am always in a holy union of co-creation with my higher power. All is well and all is as it should be. Thank you, God.
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2 comments:
Been working the steps for two years now and I always seem to come back to steps 1, 2 and 3. When I first started my program I also thought the process would be linear, but it is anything but! When things flare up or life becomes unmanageable, my sponsor always points me back to the appropriate step and more often than not, it's 1, 2 or 3 that I'm forgetting. I'm either trying to control others or Im not turning it over to my Higher Power. This are the two things that seems to get me into the most hot water.
My name is Leslie and i can truly relate to Jen's "Progress not Perfection." I work the AA and CODA programs on a daily basis and it has been an amazing journey. The only reason I have been able to remain on this journey a day at a time is through working these steps that guide my path. If I veer of the path on my own I get lost. And Jenn said it beautifully about relationships and slippery the path can become when we write a new script for relating to our family of origin. I have slipped, fallen, and gotten back up many times with setting those boundaries with family members. And those times always bring me back to step one. I am powerless over other people and to create manageability in my life I remember to only take care of myself. Thank you for your wisdom and sharing Jenn. Blessings, Leslie W.
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