Boundaries In Action

Funny how less than 24 hours I was writing about my understanding of boundaries and their role in my co-dependency when all of the sudden I call a boundary setting opportunity to my reality….Thanks HP….you know all and make it all happen! I am grateful for the opportunity but am scared and full of guilt and shame. Of course since getting into recovery I have set many boundaries and survived. Heck, I have lived to tell the tale. So why is this time any different? Why is it so scary?

This time, I have to set the boundary with my mom. I love my mom but she is sick and I learned my co-dependency from her, a true professional! Here I am: I am a grown adult woman, wife and mother but my mom still scares the shit out of me. The boundary I have to set with her is a significant one concerning an unhealthy mixed message she spoke to my two year old son. When the words, “If you don’t give me a hug, then you can’t spend the night on Saturday night with us,” came out of her mouth, I froze.

What did she just say? Why do I feel so icky? Huh?

I went home and wow, did I get out of control. I was triggered and made up in my head that my husband was having an affair with our babysitter. I felt awful…where did that thought come from. To take care of myself, I shared this dark side of my thoughts and disease with my husband. Fortunately, he was able to hold the space with me and assured me there was no affair and that he loved me. This was a miracle that could have only come from practicing setting boundaries with my husband. Sometimes he would openly accept my boundaries and all would be well. Other times, he resisted them and we had to sit through the tension. Nonetheless, we always made it through to the other side, all the healthier and saner.

But now, I was in the big leagues. I had to set a boundary with my mom! How the heck do I do that? I called a recovery friend and emoted. I raged a bit and told my mom to “F-off” with a safe person. I got the emotions out. When I came back to my baseline, I was able to get some further clarity around setting boundaries. Setting boundaries is a multi-step process for me. I have to identify the boundary, respectfully set and communicate the boundary, detach from any expectations, and turn it over to God. Whew…that’s a lot of work. No wonder why I was feeling so overwhelmed.

So, after processing my feelings and gaining clarity, here is my boundary: “Mom, when you told my son he could not spend the night with you on Saturday night if he did not give you a hug before leaving, I felt concerned. In the future, I prefer you do not make your love, your acceptance and your approval of my son based upon if he is meeting your emotional needs. That is not his job. Thank you.”

Well, I have my boundary. Now I am praying for courage to communicate the message and detach with love without expectations. That is where I am at today.