Realization: My dad died last month and I am having so much latent anger about the things my dad did and the way he was. I wondered why and then I realized that now that he is gone, there is no chance for redemption. It’s final.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always waited for the apology, or for him to mellow and change the way he was. But it never came. And then he got sick. And I forgave him everything (or so I thought) because he was dying. We exchanged hugs and tears and I watched him slip away, and I thought that was enough to wipe it all away. But now that he’s gone, the anger is creeping in again, I think because that’s it - I cant even ask him why he was so mean sometimes or ask for an apology. What was, is now still. It’s all so final. In ink. Can’t be changed.
So the work becomes mine. F-ing STEP 1 again…I cant change him or the way he was or the things he did. All I can change is the way I process and accept him and his actions. I have to leave the anger behind or stop blaming him and own the anger as mine. He is not making me angry - I am making myself angry. He is gone and I cant blame him any more. This the ultimate giving up control - when someone is totally gone and what they have left behind is indelible. Trying to control the past is insanity pure and simple. I still want my dad to be all of things he could never be - warm, expressive, grateful, gentle and supportive. He never was and never will be any of these and I cant change that.
The little girl inside still wants daddy to come home and prop her on his knee and tell her the world will always be a safe place as long as he’s around…does any of this stuff EVER happen or were we just raised with all of these TV myths that somewhere dads did stuff like this? Did anyone REALLY have an “idyllic” childhood?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment